Strong Enough To Cry
by Brigadier-Erin-Lightning
Summary: OneShot taking place during Curse of the Crimson Elixer. Edward makes a horrible discovery about the cost of a life, but it takes the deatb of someone dear to him to show him the truth.


_**"Strong Enough To Cry"  
A fanfiction by Erin Lightning**_

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Edward shakes. 'What have I done?' he thinks, 'What have I done…'

He sees what he's done; the proof's right before his eyes. He knows it's wrong, he knows this is something that isn't how it should be, he can feel it as his gloves turn first a rose-pink, like the color of a blossoming flower. Then the color darkens before his eyes, that horrible crimson rouge as he lifts her body from the cool stone, his mind not registering the gathering black shadows surrounding them, the cries of his brother.

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Vaguely the thoughts run through the boy's head, little flickers of candlelight in the onsetting darkness, and he sees her. He sees that proud woman, with her flowing blonde locks all caged up in a hair clip and those ice blue eyes that always showed him only affection. His mind reminds him how much he owes her; how many times her trusty gun's saved his life, and his brother's. Worse yet, he remembers the promise he's made.

The day before he leaves for Bord-wan, Edward walks into Mustang's office. His body's strung out in the almighty-looking pose of someone who thinks he's better then the world, his nose's high in the air like royalty. He keeps his gait at a powerful pace, trying to look taller then the beansprout he is. Behind him, his younger sibling quivers.

"Ed are you sure this is a good idea?" Alphonse asks. "I mean, those monsters don't look very…nice…"

Ed smirks. Of course it's a good idea; it's his idea! How could anything thought up in that marvelous, genius mind of his possibly be bad? Mischievous, perhaps, but bad? Nah. He ignores his brother and continues towards the office door, but, when he knocks, he hears something from inside that disturbs him. Being the youth he is, and being the alchemist he is, naturally he pauses, puts his ear to the door, and hopes to hear the end of some juicy information.

Instead, he hears the soft-spoken Lieutenant with her cautioning tone, berating the Colonel once more on his shoddy behavior and his little quirks. It's enjoyable to Elric, hearing Colonel being so ruthlessly scolded, so he listens to it satisfactorily, but, just as suddenly, he hears the voice of the Flame turn grave and serious.

"I don't know what we're up against here Hawkeye. How can you possibly go with those boys? What if…I don't want anything to happen to you."

There's a pause, in which Ed has had time to collect his thoughts, and it seems Riza has as well, for she speaks with the authority native to her being, and scolds Colonel once more. "My life is trivial compared to the civilians involved, Sir."

Edward strains to hear the last bit of the conversation, but is taken aback by the suddenness with which Colonel answers, his voice coming barely seconds after Hawkeye has spoken. "No it's not."

"Sir?" quips the Lieutenant.

"Your life…means…"

It's at this time that he decides to enter, FullMetal that is. His automail gives a creak as he pushes open the doors, and he reminds himself mentally that he's going to have to oil it soon or Winry will have a fit, but there's the door, wide open, and there's Roy's office, pristine and polished, but dark like the day. Just as he expected, there's the famous pair, the Lieutenant and her Colonel, both looking towards him in a manner that says he has, as he had hoped, intervened at a most inconvenient time. Good; he likes interrupting Mustang.

Hawkeye blushes. Ed keeps his face straight even though he wants to grin; he really doesn't need any holes in himself just before a mission. He watches as she salutes, gives a quick farewell to Colonel and the message to Edward that he should prepare to leave very shortly, and then hurries from the room. And he and Roy are alone. Al waits outside, for the obvious reason that he's trying to hide the purring furballs in his armor from Ed, though the older brother has already figured out his younger sibling's secret.

Roy gives Edward one of the most annoyed sighs, and mutters while massaging his temples, "You know, Ed, I'd swear you did that on purpose."  
Ed scoffs. He's caught Roy's bluff, and he's actually managed to corner the Colonel into a place where Roy, for once, will be the uncomfortable one. "You know that sort of thing is frowned upon in the military, right, Colonel? I saved your ass."

Roy merely shrugs and gives one of those fake, plastered on smiles that drives Ed insane. "Just like transmuting a human back to life, hm, FullMetal?"

Ed's teeth grit. Damn. Outsmarted again.

He's just about to make some snotty, childish remark when Colonel turns away from him, and with eyes that gaze out the window and onto the rain-trodden grounds like two tiny black gems, speaks. Unlike normally, Ed can't sense the sarcasm or the wicked playfulness in his superior's voice, and it puzzles him enough for his ears to actually pick up what Mustang is saying to him.

"Promise me, Ed."

"Hm? Promise what?"

"Promise me that you won't let anything happen to her. Please….let nothing….let nothing happen to the Lieutenant. Be strong…for both her sake, and mine…" And a small tear trails its way down the Colonel's face, though he's too proud to admittedly allow Edward to see it. The tear streaks down his face, almost as if he knows. As if he knows Ed will let him down.

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Ed's running, and Al's right there with him. The golems are closing in from all sides, looming black statues of creatures that grope at the brothers with hands like steel claws. Gaping mouths are devoid of teeth, or of speech, only that horrible wailing sound that the creatures make as they advance. From nearby, something spits a fireball at Edward. He ducks, transmutes a sword, turns, but he knows that the battle will be lost.

Gunshots can be heard; Ed knows that Riza is there too, and it comforts him to think the Lieutenant will let no harm come to him as long as she lives. He beats the monsters down that separate him from her, and finds himself back to back with Hawkeye, fists raised. He smirks. Well, if he's going to go down, it's going to be with style, though he has every intention of living. He only needs a break in the crowd, and then he, Hawkeye, and Al will be able to find safety.

Riza's speaking to him now; she's asking him to watch her back. He can't say no. So he dives at the nearest golem and starts kicking ass. Only, he hasn't noticed that Riza is getting farther and farther from him, as he heads deeper into the crowd of golems without a single thought otherwise. In fact, the moment that he hears the sound of flesh being ripped apart, the very second he hears the buzz of an electric flash in the direction opposite hi, his blood freezes and he quickly realizes his mistake.

Unfortunately it's too late.

"ED!" screams Alphonse, but he's afraid to turn around. His heart knows what he'll see, and his mind seems on a whole different level now, floating somewhere beyond the sky above, only his feelings rushing through him, and his instincts feeding him the thoughts that remain.

His body moves in slow motion, and for one marvelous second, it feels like the whole world's frozen, and a weight is lifted from his shoulders, but, just as quickly as it had come, the ephemeral feeling vanishes and he sees what he had been so very frightened of seeing: the still body of the beautiful officer, laying sprawled on the ground, golems slowly moving in on her and…

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" he screams, diving at the mob of black mud, fists flying in a flurry as his legs kick at the moving figures trying to devour Hawkeye. His hands have transmuted a spear before he can even remember moving them, and this object he uses to bash in the last few golems, to ward off some of the others. Alphonse is somewhere behind him, screaming something inaudible, metal form fighting to get through to his brother and the fallen Lieutenant, but his attempts unsuccessful.

Meanwhile, Ed drops to his knees beside Riza. How still she looks, how beautiful, and he is amazed he has never noticed before. It seems a dream, his hands shaking as they reach for her body, which seems absolutely fine, not a scratch on her. Until he begins to lift her and…his hand falls straight across the bloodied gash along her back…

…and he realizes the horrible truth.

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Sometime later, Ed remembers the State intervening, but he was hardly alert by then. He can remember the shining face of the Colonel as he marched upon the scene, looking anxious, looking worried, and with all reason to be, because when FullMetal tells him the truth…when FullMetal tells him that his beloved Lieutenant could not make it until the reinforcements came...

Though the Colonel's lips don't move, though his body doesn't shake, doesn't collapse as FullMetal's did, Ed can see Roy's eyes changing. He can see the despair gathering, a dark storm so cloudy that it may never see the light of day again. He can see something breaking. As FullMetal hands Roy the body…Mustang thanks him, cradles Riza, and seems to walk off in a daze. And as Mustang walks away, Edward realizes it takes everything the Colonel's got not to break down right there and that the Colonel is a stronger man then he.

Edward looks at the broken man, his long cape trailing off behind him, and tears creep into the boy's eyes. He feels his heart tearing in two, feels the urge to grab himself and tear his own flesh apart, to scream for fair trade, to offer his life for hers. He knows know the cost. And he has made his most terrifying discovery: The cost of a life is far greater then the loss of a few limbs; for the Gate, he now knows, has never stopped taking from him. Al has lost his body, but Ed has lost something more: his heart.

Destiny frowns upon Ed as a man would an insignificant insect in his domain, and Ed knows once more the pain of loss. He knows he's screwed up, he's hurt someone again, it's all his fault. He wants to die, but he knows he can't. All that he can do, all he's ever been able to do…is repent. But it will never be enough.

And it is with this horrible realization that he turns to Alphonse, who had come to Edward's side some time ago and sat, still and quiet as stone, and he speaks with a memory dancing through his head. In his mind's eye, he can see the Lieutenant, only a short time ago, walking through the forest by his side and assuring Edward that there was a cause behind all of this. He can see that little smile as she tells him the purpose for which she fights. And it makes him all the more guilty, for he realizes that she will never know the words Roy had had to say. And it's all Ed's fault.

Tears roll down Ed's face like rain, and he looks out across the courtyard of Siam-Sid, the place that he would always remember as a place of horrors. The golems are gone, and the military are filing out now, yet he can tell not a one of them suspects anything more between the Colonel and the Lieutenant then camaraderie as Roy parts the sea of people, clutching Hawkeye in his arms, knowing only the loss that FullMetal has brought upon him.

He wonders, deep inside of his heart and soul, if Mustang will try to bring back Hawkeye. Immediately he admonishes this thought of his; but it really does get him to wonder. All these years, the cost continues totaling: Trisha, Nina, Hughes… every one of them a victim of a mistake made by a boy who thought he had nothing to lose.

"Alphonse," whispers Ed, "How strong…how strong do I have to be, so that no one I love will ever get hurt again?"

And Al looks at him, and Ed can tell that those invisible tears of Al's are present, just as he can tell the weight of his failure upon his brother's heart, though neither can be seen. Al says one sentence, one little sentence, that wedges itself into Ed's heart like a virus, consuming his thoughts.

"Strong enough to cry, brother. Strong enough to cry."

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**The End**


End file.
